the heart is also a furnace

I'm less crazy and my ass might have shrunk very slightly (at least this recession is good for something).
After a Saturday night of vodka and cranberry juice, I died black smudges into my hair and looked for Sasquatch and then woke up with a stomach virus. Not even a hangover. It's barely October, awesome.
Since the weekend sickness I've quit smoking because I'm trying to be all grown up and stuff and not have asthma. I've also saved up 200 for my octopus tattoo and already talked to D'Lacie, who will impose her amazing artistic skills on my right arm, but I'm going to wait until I see if I did alright for grades this term.

I'm at Tiny's now, because that dumb bitch finally locked what was my free wireless after 4 months. Srsly. And the clouds are insanely gorgeous and the smell of the food carts is making me faint. So gewd. I'm also kind of missing when Grace and I used to be friends because I really miss being here with them.



I also have a Hello Kitty electric toothbrush and since my life has really been looking up, both dentally and in the Real.

cute thing number one: my bunny, lassie, eats little pear nibbles out of my lap, runs crazy around the room, bumps into my toes and then goes to take her nap.

cute thing number two:
julia - "are you and ceci going to end up married with children?"
zane - "well, we did just get a bunny..."

cute thing number three: bobby looks like george harrison now and we both want to make the world a better place by sandwiches. and scrambley eggs. we will become super heroes.

cute thing number four: portland rain. i didn't even remember missing it and now i'm all heartbroken that it's summer again.

cute thing number five: oh! oh! i am going to be a french teacher for children 2-6 years old at a Montessori school next year!

I just want it to rain, really hard. My chest is all tight and I'm impatient and mostly I feel all dried out and yucky and dusty. It's Portland. Why can't it just rain?

This year must be a good one. Srsly.

This is the most darling postsecret.


In other news, I want a cupcake with sprinkles and hair dye and film for all my crazy cameras I find at the bins.
I also changed a tire today and spent three hours at the Hof because I am apparently back to the social life I had as a 14 year-old.

The best sound in the world is rain when it's tickling the shingles in the roof or taping my windshield trying to catch my attention.

I don't know how I feel these days. I'm fickle all over the place about myself and my life. And I keep making him mad because he doesn't want to fight for me anymore, because he has somehow grown up and I can't accept that.

I went through all my Polaroids two nights ago, and there's this one I can't stop looking at (I taped it into my locker this morning). It was one that I almost threw away because I shot it so poorly. It's got just a corner of Fiona's face in front, and behind her this world of pigeons and carousel riders and soft ice cream cones at the Gare de Montparnasse and I think I'm dreaming when I look at it and at the same time I want to cry. I don't think I understand how I feel about her at all. I've never been so close to someone in my whole life.

I had a dream that I'd saved up enough money to move out (haha, second paycheck this week).
And wow. It is going to be so amazing. I can't wait to live somewhere that is not (A) Beaverton or (B) a cow field in NW France. EWW.

In the meantime, fall is going to be pretty. And really fucking busy.

do you remember being honest in the playground?

Creep creep creepin' away. I'll be half mad by the end of their stay.


In other news thank god for moped heads, lila and max, cul de sacs, and stealing showers and flowers.


I only realized that rhymed halfway. Oh, and I skinned and ate two lemons today :)

hi august :)



i'm writing more songs every day and things are getting pretty.

laura gave me a brownie and drew birds on my shoulders in class and i'm going to meet a french girl at four thirty and i'm nervous and excited and mom says she looks like fiona and that makes me want to cry and be her best friend.

i'm four years old.

Today, summer school did not last a thousand hours. Today, I drove to Benson and was early and listened to this really pretty playlist I made with the windows cracked and a cigarette.

Today, Zane gave me an octopus and I knew he finally truly understood me. Today, Ava said "Holy shit, you actually like someone."

Today, I called Ziv and he made a three way call (haven't done that since middle school) with this artist. Today, it felt like when I just walked into the piercing place in France. I'll actually get this done, because I'm not thinking about it and freaking myself out, I'm just doing it.

Today was cuddley and rainy and then it got nice and I wanted to go do something! Instead I wrote and played guitar and pulled weeds in the garden.

- I've been feeling weird.
- I've gone up to see Andy the last three days. Everything I write him is gone the next day. I hope it's not some stranger or the lawn mower that's stealing them away.
- I keep dreaming in French but when it comes to me to speak it, my throat stops and I wake up thirsty and can't fall asleep again.
- That stupid English accent came back today because I was thinking about Fiona. I miss her so much. We used to take care of each other and try to make custard and write songs in the bathroom. I need someone like that.
- I'm writing this story that I need to stop writing before it gets me into a place.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH MORE PAINFUL IT IS TO HEAR ANOTHER ONE'S DEAD, WHEN YOU'RE THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY, ALONE, MISUNDERSTOOD BY THE PEOPLE AROUND.

NO ONE HAD THE GODDAMN GRACE TO EVEN TELL ME SHE WAS DEAD.


godithurts. how many more times do i have to do this, see this, live through this?


SPEAKSPEAKSPEAK.

heart

I felt a spark of something, energy or dancing or teenage nonsense or anything, and just now ran out the front door and around in a few circles, with my Polaroid camera and took two pictures for you. (Not like they look any good after being digitally photographed and copied onto my laptop, etc.) I'm full of nonsense, anyway. The kitchen smells like pumpkins and sweet things!


Hey! USA! Have some French sunset!



The sheep were especially suspicious about the camera. They've seen me spinning around the backyard in crazy teenage spiritedness before, but a motherfucking camera? No. Way. They weren't havin' it. I asked the bigger one if he wouldn't mind if I captured his radiance and he looked at me and shrugged. Pretentious fucking sheep.